CUSTODY DON’TS
- Don’t “bad mouth” your spouse/ex-spouse if the children might hear you.
- Don’t ask your children to lie.
- Don’t use your children as spies.
- Don’t use your children as messengers.
- Don’t confide your feelings or fears regarding your situation to the children.
- Don’t expect your children to act older than their ages.
- Don’t give your children more responsibility than they can reasonably handle.
- Don’t discuss finances with the children.
- Don’t discuss visitation with the children.
- Don’t make promises that you do not (or reasonably cannot) keep.
- Don’t agree to split up the children unless it is absolutely necessary.
- Don’t agree to an equal parenting time arrangement.
- Don’t attempt to sway your children’s feelings by buying them things.
- Don’t side with a child against your ex-spouse.
- Don’t introduce your significant other to the children until after the divorce is final.
- Don’t discuss the behavior of the other parent with the children.
- Don’t allow your children to decide when or if they will visit with the non-custodial parent.
- Don’t argue in front of the children.
- Don’t discourage communication between the children and the other parent.
- Don’t discourage the children from talking about what they did with the other parent.
- Don’t move any further away from the other parent than absolutely necessary.
- Don’t throw out the “rules” the children had when you were together.
- Don’t allow your children to call anyone other than the other parent Mom or Dad.
- Don’t allow your children to sleep in your bed.
- Don’t close the lines of communication between yourself and the other parent.
- Don’t allow bitterness over the divorce affect your relationship with your children.
CUSTODY DON’TS
- Don’t “bad mouth” your spouse/ex-spouse if the children might hear you.
Speaking negatively about the other parent is hurtful to the children. Consciously or subconsciously children see themselves as part of their parents, and negative comments about either parent are taken to heart as negative comments about the child. It can also cause your child to feel the need to defend the parent being “bad mouthed.”
- Don’t ask your children to lie.
Children should never be asked to lie to or keep secrets from the other parent. Both parents should encourage open and honest communication between the children and both parents.
- Don’t use your children as spies.
Children should never be questioned about what Mom or Dad is doing; who the other parent’s significant other is or how much money the other parent makes. Neither should they be asked to “snoop” while in the other parent’s home. They need to be taught to respect the privacy of other people, including their parents.
- Don’t use your children as messengers.
Often parents will take the easy way out and have the children deliver messages that they know the other parent will be upset by. This is not good for your children. If you must deliver an unpleasant message to the other parent do it yourself and do it when the children are not present.
- Don’t confide your feelings or fears regarding your situation to the children.
Children should not become your confidants. They have their own feelings and fears regarding your divorce. They need you to be strong for them. They should not have to be strong for you. If you need someone to confide in, call a friend or a counselor.
- Don’t expect your children to act older than their ages.
When parents divorce, children often regress rather than act more maturely. Do not pressure them to act more “grown-up” at this time.
- Don’t give your children more responsibility than they can reasonably handle.
Often parents will ask more of their children than the children are able to handle at their maturity levels. Whether these requests are because of financial restraints or other family needs, children should not be asked to take on adult (or more adult) roles than they can comfortably assume.
- Don’t discuss finances or child support with the children.
Children do not need to know about your finances. Child support is an issue that should never be discussed with or in the presence of the children. That goes for both the parent paying support and the parent receiving support. Neither should say anything to the children regarding support payments or the lack thereof.
- Don’t discuss visitation with the children.
Visitation arrangements should be made between the parents. The only time visitation should be discussed with the children is after the parents have determined the schedule. An exception might be if an older (teenaged) child has a special event that would require changing the schedule, then the child might ask the parents if they are willing to make such a change.
- Don’t make promises that you do not (or reasonably cannot) keep.
If you make a promise to your children you need to keep it. Their world has been pulled apart by the divorce. They need to know that if Mom or Dad tells them something is going to happen that it will happen. (This includes both rewards and punishments)
- Don’t agree to split up the children unless it is absolutely necessary.
Siblings need to be kept together if at all possible. It increases the children’s sense of stability to remain with their brothers and sisters.
- Don’t agree to an equal parenting time arrangement.
Children need to have a home. Although they need frequent contact and time with both parents they need the stability of having one place to call home. You can put together a parenting plan that maximizes the time each of you spends with the children without creating an unstable environment for them.
- Don’t attempt to sway your children’s feelings by buying them things.
Parents who do this put themselves in an awkward role. They become more Santa Claus than parent. Your children need you to be a parent, not Santa. You can demonstrate your love for them much better by giving them your time rather than by buying out the toy store. Volunteer to coach your child’s team, chaperone a school field trip or do something else that increases the time spent with the child, not the clutter in the toy box.
- Don’t side with a child against your ex-spouse.
Doing so may damage the child’s relationship with the other parent. Instead, attempt to help them work through their differences or make sure the child attends any counseling sessions the other parent sets up to address the problem.
- Don’t introduce your significant other to the children until after the divorce is final.
It will confuse the children. They know you are still married and it confuses them to see you in a relationship with someone else.
- Don’t discuss the behavior of the other parent with the children or in their presence.
By doing this you can cause your child unnecessary emotional pain. Adult actions should never be discussed with the children
- Don’t allow your children to decide when or if they will visit with the non-custodial parent.
Children need a relationship with both parents. Visitation facilitates the relationship between the non-custodial parent and the child, and should therefore be encouraged. The only time a child should be involved in determining whether visitation will take place is if the child has asked the visiting parent to switch a visit because of a special occasion for the child.
- Don’t argue in front of the children.
Arguing in front of the children upsets them and causes them to be more fearful. If you have a disagreement with the other parent, go somewhere else to have the discussion.
- Don’t discourage communication between the children and the other parent.
The children need both of their parents, they need to be able to communicate with both of you freely and without recriminations. Give them privacy on the phone and in their email communications with the other parent.
- Don’t discourage the children from talking about what they did with the other parent.
As parents we must keep the lines of communication open between us and our children. If you refuse to listen to them recount the things they did with the other parent you may damage your line of communication with your children.
- Don’t move any further away from the other parent than absolutely necessary.
Moving a great distance from your ex-spouse may make you feel better but it will wreak havoc with your children’s ability to see the other parent. Children need both of their parents to be as fully involved in their daily lives as is reasonably possible. Moving a great distance away may hurt your ex, but it won’t hurt him or her nearly as much as it will damage your children. When one parent moves far (over an hour) away from the other parent, they will often agree to split the drive, meet in the middle to exchange the children. What they (and their attorneys) seem to forget, is that the long drive each of the parents is trying to avoid must be taken by the children each time they visit.
- Don’t throw out the “rules” the children had when you were together.
Children need stability and consistency. If the rules suddenly change they will become confused. If at all possible make sure bedtime, dinner time, homework, and other routines and rules remain consistent.
- Don’t allow your children to call anyone other than the other parent Mom or Dad.
Your children have only one Mom and one Dad. They should never, ever call anyone else Mom or Dad.
- Don’t allow your children to sleep in your bed.
This can be psychologically damaging to the child and is therefore discouraged.
- Don’t close the lines of communication between yourself and the other parent.
Your children need both parents, and they need both of you working together to raise them to be the best people they can be. If you refuse to communicate with your child’s other parent, you are harming your child. If communication is difficult, seek the help of a mediator. A mediator may help you resolve the issues and you could learn more positive ways of communicating with each other regarding your children.
- Don’t allow bitterness over the divorce affect your relationship with your children.
Your fight is with the children’s other parent, NOT WITH THE CHILDREN. If you allow your anger and bitterness to affect the relationship between you and the children, your EX wins again. Not only does the EX win, both you and your children lose. This is about your relationship with your children, not your relationship with your EX. Do not allow feelings of anger and bitterness to rob you and your children of the relationship that you want and they need.