CUSTODY DO’S
- Do encourage your children to talk to the other parent.
- Do talk to your ex-spouse about the children.
- Do encourage the children to visit with the other parent.
- Do work together with your ex-spouse to present a united front for the children.
- Do go to counseling (either separately or together)
- Do involve the other parent in the children’s activities as much as possible.
- Do discuss your plans for the children with the other parent before telling the children of the plans.
- Do encourage the children to discuss their feelings with both of you.
- Do attempt mediation if you are unable to resolve issues with each other.
- Do speak of the good times the children have with the other parent.
- Do encourage communication between the children and their extended family on both sides.
- Do encourage your extended family to speak kindly about your ex-spouse when discussing him or her if the children are present.
- Do attend parent teacher conferences together.
- Do attend the children’s special events (games, plays and concerts).
- Do meet away from the children to discuss any differences you may have.
- Do speak of your ex-spouse in a positive manner
- Do break the news of the impending divorce to the children together.
- Do explain that the divorce is not their “fault” and that both of you still love them.
- Do take the children to counseling if necessary.
- Do think of something positive each day that you would like to share with your ex-spouse regarding the children.
- Do help your children to remember the other parent’s birthday, and special occasions. Help them make or purchase a gift/card for the other parent.
- Do be flexible in your parenting schedules.
- Do consider Joint Custody
- Do keep the “house rules” reasonably close to the same in both households.
- Do understand that your children will no longer be with you 24/7.
- Do realize that it takes more money to run two households than it did to run one.
CUSTODY DO’S
- Do encourage your children to talk to the other parent.
Your children need to have a relationship with both of their parents. If you
encourage them to speak to your ex-spouse they will be more comfortable with the situation your divorce has created for them. By encouraging their communication you are letting them know that you recognize that they have a right to a free and open relationship with both of you.
- Do talk to your ex-spouse about the children.
Even if you can’t talk about anything else, you need to be able to discuss the welfare of your children with each other. Children need to know both of their parents are concerned about them. They also need to know both of their parents care enough to be involved in decision making for them.
- Do encourage the children to visit with the other parent.
By encouraging the children to visit with the other parent you are helping them to build a stronger relationship with that parent. Children need a strong relationship with both of their parents if they are going to grow up emotionally healthy and well adjusted.
- Do work together with your ex-spouse to present a united front for the children.
Some things don’t change after the divorce. Children will still try to play Mom off against Dad, just as they did when you lived together. If the two of you are able to keep the lines of communication open between you, you will be better able to ward off the kids’ attempts at “divide and conquer”. If your child asks for something you know (or are pretty sure) the other parent adamantly opposes, (and you may have opposed prior to the divorce) don’t give in to the child. Stand firm with your ex-spouse and let your children know that the rules haven’t changed, that Mom and Dad might not live together anymore, but they are still Mom and Dad and they both remain in character.
- Do go to counseling (either separately or together)
Even the cleanest most agreeable divorce stirs feelings of anger, resentment, fear and loss. Everyone must deal with those feelings before he or she can move on. By going to counseling you will speed the healing process for both you and your children.
- Do involve the other parent in the children’s activities as much as possible.
Let the other parent know if your child is on a team, give them a copy of the game and practice schedule and encourage attendance. Even if you are unable to stand side by side to cheer for your child, the child will know that both Mom and Dad are there for the game. This holds true for any activities the child might be in, always let the other parent know of the activities and encourage attendance.
- Do discuss your plans for the children with the other parent before telling the children of the plans.
Check with the other parent to make sure there are no conflicts with your plans before you tell the children. This will avoid making promises to the children that you may not be able to keep.
- Do encourage the children to discuss their feelings with both of you.
Children need to be able to express their fears, frustrations and anger freely. By encouraging them to discuss their feelings openly, you as their parents can help them deal with their feelings. Do not become defensive nor should you cast blame on your former spouse if the children express resentment regarding the divorce. Rather help them to understand that while Mom and Dad do not want to live with each other anymore, that both of you love the children and that your love for them will not change.
- Do attempt mediation if you are unable to resolve issues with each other.
A trained Mediator can help the two of you resolve issues that you might be reluctant to discuss on your own. Mediators help parties reach an amicable agreement through compromise. See the Mediation section of our site for further information.
- Do speak to the children about the good times they have with the other parent.
Encourage your children to talk to you about the fun they have when at the other parent’s home. This is not questioning them about what happens at the other parent’s house, its more like asking what they did at a sleepover with their friends. Allow them to tell you about going to the hardware store with Mom, or grocery shopping with Dad. They are telling you about the other half of their lives, which is very important to them.
- Do encourage communication between the children and their extended family on both sides.
Children need to maintain contact with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. For many children these family members have been an integral part of their lives for as long as they can remember. By allowing your children to maintain communication with both sets of grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins you help them to understand that they are still a part of this extended family. The divorce is changing their immediate family, they need to know that “Johnny is still my cousin” or “Grandpa is still my Grandpa” and I get to see both of them.
- Do encourage your extended family to speak kindly about your ex-spouse when discussing him or her if the children are present.
Even when children appear not to be paying attention to adult conversations they really are. Speaking negatively about the other parent is hurtful to the children. Consciously or subconsciously children see themselves as part of their parents, and negative comments about either parent are taken to heart as negative comments about the child.
- Do attend parent teacher conferences together.
Let your children and the schools know that both of you are concerned with your child’s education. Speak to the children about what their teachers have to say about their work and their participation in school.
- Do attend the children’s special events (games, plays and concerts).
If you are not the residential custodian, go to every activity you can. It will accomplish two things. It will bring you closer to your child and it will let your child know that you really care about the things that are important in his life.
- Do meet away from the children to discuss any differences you may have.
The children can hear arguments held outside the front door. They can also hear those held in the garage or driveway. If you need to speak to each other and know that the exchange might become heated, it is best to agree to meet in a public place without the children present.
- Do speak to your children of your ex-spouse in a positive manner.
This repeats L above, also, negative comments cause the children to feel the need to defend the parent being “put down”.
- Do break the news of the impending divorce to the children together.
If at all possible sit down as a family and explain the divorce to the children. You need not go into great detail, merely telling them something like; “We have decided to get a divorce, because we feel it would be best for us and for you. Both of us still love you and that won’t change. Dad will still be your Dad and Mom will still be your Mom.”
- Do explain that the divorce is not their “fault” and that both of you still love them.
Often children wrongly, believe that the divorce is somehow their fault. They’ve overheard the two of you fighting about the cost of braces, camp, who they hang out with or other child related issues and think that is why you are getting a divorce. You need to reassure them that the problems in your marriage are adult problems that have nothing to do with them. You also need to let them know that both of you love them and although you no longer love each other your love for them will not change.
- Do take the children to counseling if necessary.
Watch the children’s moods, grades and appetites. If one changes drastically or if two change slightly your child may be having a problem adjusting to the divorce and could benefit from counseling.
- Do think of something positive each day that you would like to share with your ex-spouse regarding the children.
If you can make the children the focus of your communications with the other parent it will make communicating easier. By sharing something positive about the children, even minor achievements, you will make the divorce much easier for your children by keeping the lines of communication open between the two most important people in their lives Mom and Dad.
- Do help your children to remember the other parent’s birthday, and special occasions.
The other parent is important to your children. They should be encouraged to remember both parents’ birthdays, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and any other special date for the other parent.
- Do be flexible in your parenting schedules.
While the courts call it parenting time or visitation and award it to one of the parents, in reality this time belongs to the children. Your children have a right to a relationship with both parents. Work out a parenting schedule that will encourage that relationship. Be flexible if necessary. If the parent with visitation is going to be very late or unable to exercise visitation, change the time or schedule a make up visit.
- Do consider Joint Custody
In general, non-residential custodians with Joint Custody are more actively involved in their children’s lives than non-custodial parents with an ex-spouse that has Sole Custody. Often if a parent has Sole Custody the non-custodial parent does not exercise visitation regularly and becomes more like a distant relative than a parent.
- Do keep the “house rules” reasonably close to the same in both households.
Children need consistency. If the house rules are the same at both Mom’s and Dad’s, their adjustment to the divorce will be easier.
- Do understand that your children will no longer be with you 24/7.
Children need to spend time with both parents, but there are only so many hours and days in a week. You need to understand that the time your children spend with the other parent is time they will not be with you.
- Do realize that it takes more money to run two households than it did to run one.
Your expenses will increase and the money to cover those expenses will stay the same. There will be two rents/mortgages, two sets of utility bills and two sets of grocery bills, etc. But, there will not be more money to cover these added expenses.